Sometimes, bloggers deserve recognition, and therefore I am pleased to award this Very Serious Award to Lousy Canuck!

Goatse is not an argument for God.

So there I was on Twitter, when I saw this:

 The link went to this photo:

Frank Burns vs. Rick Santorum

You might have heard that Rick Santorum almost won the Iowa caucuses. This man is a paragon of Christian conservatism - that is to say he's a racist, homophobic, Islamophobic hypocrite. So, in honour of that, I present a little quiz:

George Washington's Tea Partiers

Friends, today, I'd like to remind you that the tradition of the left's tax-and-spend politics is not a recent tradition; it is in fact one that true, conservative, freedom-loving Americans have battled for over two centuries. You see, one of the things that George Washington did as President was to raise taxes when he decided to tax several luxury items that he considered distasteful. One of the prime purposes of President Washington's un-American taxation plan (they would have called it socialist but it's over a hundred years before the Communist Manifesto) was to alter the way people in the United States behaved and believed. This clear violation of the 10th Amendment was no more than a shady attempt to usurp states rights, disguising their intentions by telling the people of the United States that the money was needed to pay off the massive "debt" left by the Glorious War of Independence Against the Tyrant George.

A well-known liberal, Washington ignored the will of the people and chose to implement a form of taxation designed to conform behavior to progressive, liberal norms: he taxed whiskey. Like all people who hate freedom, Washington has a set lifestyle he wants Americans to live, and he had illegitimately abused his power this enact the tax. I don't know if you were aware of this, but Washington's Congress had only one party. Do you know what other country only had one party? That's right. Nazi Germany.

The Boondrunk Saints

I mentioned doing this on Twitter recently, and at least one person (Mark!) was insane enough to agree. The basic theory is that you watch The Boondock Saints, taking a drink of alcohol for several events.

You take one drink...
...whenever someone says fuck.
...whenever something religious happens.
...whenever someone drinks alcohol.
...whenever someone discusses rope.
...whenever Smecker (Willem Dafoe's character) makes fun of the Boston detectives.

You take two drinks...
...whenever someone is killed.
...whenever Smecker does something that could be construed as "fabulous".
...whenever someone uses a racial slur.

You finish your drink when...
...they kill the cat.

Nobody has ever made it through this drinking game. One time, Scott left the room to piss and returned to be informed he was back 32 drinks. Do you dare to dance with the Saints?

Robin Hood: Time Commando

"I need the Ultra-Septvember-G!" the man in the green timesuit called, spraying laser pulses from the high density flashrifle from his waist. "We need to hold back the Omega-Bots for forty seven hundred more microns!"

Explosive delta projectiles splattered on the invisible plasma shield the commando was projecting from his utility combat belt, and he returned fire as someone tossed him a large steel and very phallic-looking object. Immediately, he attached it to the quantum power port on the timesuit, and green ultrabolts lashed the enemy Omega-Bots with heady explosive power.

"Robin! The portal's closing! Let's get out of here!" Robin Hood leapt down from the outcropping he occupied, and the Ultra-Septvember-G spurted more death, doom, and dismemberment over the inanimate objects. Backing into the portal, the time commando grunted heavily as the last shot blew apart an Omega-Bot into a thousand sparks of delta-space sparks. The portal closed.

"Good to see you back!" Colonel-General Sir William of Normandy said, as he approached the team that had barely made it back from their near-suicidal mission. "Is the Omicron Particle Reactor destroyed?"

The team's explosives expert, Staff Sgt. Guy Fawkes, nodded. "Aye, sir, we neutralized it to the sub-atomic state in all seven split dimensions. I even focussed the Omicron Ultraradiation into the Trimirror Universe. We won't have to worry about any oversized SpudMechs for some time!" Everyone shared a laugh.

"Glad to hear it, son," General of Normandy said, smacking Fawkes heartily on the back. "Queen Arthur will be pleased as well." It had been King Arthur until about 2 years ago. Gender reassignment was much easier to obtain nowadays. The various members of the team dispersed after a few more pleasantries, toddling back to their individual rest and recovery designate zones for the next twelve thousand sixty microns.

Robin Hood - Major Robert Huntingdon of Loxley - was the leader of an elite squad of Time Commandos, who's job it was to travel the depths and waves of the historical time stream and revert alpha-strands to the prime timeline. His team consisted of the finest warriors throughout English history, who existed somewhere between fact and fiction, using their ambiguous nature to ensure their legend never dies - and so they stay alive. He rested until awoken by a sigma-four alarm code at 0711.

Bursting from his recovery zone, Robin Hood immediately turned to the maintenance quaddroid. "What's the meaning of distrubing my recharge megacycle!" he demanded. The bot couldn't answer, but a man approached quickly. Vice-Time Admiral Frances Drake approached.

"Hood!" he said. "there's been two alpha-strands converge into a betawave on the prime timeline in 1066!"

"Damn!" Robin said. He grabbed his combat utility ultrabelt and buckled it in, following Drake along the corridors of the Timebase. "How long until it resolves into the prime timestream?"

"Mr. Turing and Mr. Newton expect that the time re-alignment will be complete in forty-four hundred microns. Assemble your team, Major Hood. We're go in two hundred seven microns. This is an official sigma-four alarm code - you go in hot, find out who's caused the betawave, dispatch them, and timeport out."

"Yes sir." Hood turned from the Admiral, who strode off to the Command Deck, and grasped his interbase voxcom from his utility strap. "Commando Team Prime-Seven, assemble at the Embarkment Vandeck!"

Each Commando Team had five members. We've already been introduced to two. The third member of Hood's team was the Cultural Interoperative, who's job it was to reinterpret history for the Commando Team. Sub-Lieutenant Boudicca was also a fierce warrior queen in her own right, and made no bones about her desire to lead the Commando Team someday.

Occupying the post of heavy weapons expert was a tall and broadshouldered man named James Douglas, though everyone on the team called him "Corporal Black" after his historical nickname. An unabashed Scot, he had taken a long time to ease into knowing and trusting his English teammates. But there was no man better with a Mark Seven Blaster Destrocannon.

Rounding out the five man team was the team's mobile science expert. Another Scot, but a more trusting one, this fellow was able to adapt to any situation. He could use his enhanced neural delta-interface to make any computer respond in almost any situation. This guy was another James, but his name was James Watt - Lieutenant James Watt.

Fawkes entered as well, and Robin stood on the embarkment preplatform. "Folks, we have an official sigma-four alert. Someone has mixed two alpha-streams and caused a betawave in 1066. As you all know, that's where William the Conqueror..." a cough cut him off. "General The Conqueror became famous. If he dies in the battle, the betawave could alter all history, including our own. We have to succeed.

"We're going in hot and with full commando op-equip. That means we'll all carry standard gear - Mark Five-A unibolters and Type IV lanceguns, plus your special gear. Set your physio-containment shields to full, neutranize your anti-plasma and energy dispersal fields. We'll trust to speed and shock to keep our appearance and weapons from polluting the timeline further. We have...forty one fourteen microns, folks. Get in, locate the betawave origin point, call in the cavalry and we'll put things right. Any questions?"

The team shook their head. "Good. Sychronize your temporal chronometers on my mark....mark! Fire up the time portation exounit!" The portal unit burst into shimmering green and aquamarine, and the five Time Commandos leapt through.

Fuck You Glenn Beck

Seriously. Fuck you Glenn Beck.

Good thing there's no Hell...

...'cause I would have just punched me a ticket.

Me: Hey, Stephen Hawking just won the Presidential Medal of Freedom!
Adam: Really? What does that mean?
Me: I dunno, but it probably doesn't mean he'll walk again.

Silence, followed by extreme laughter.

Fun with Photo Booth!

Photo Booth is an OS X app that lets you take features. It now includes a green screen function. I was bored at work today, and here's the results:

The best car ad. Ever.

The blokes on Top Gear have done it again. This week's challenge was to make an advertisement for the Volkswagen Scirocco TDI, and here's what Mr. Clarkson came up with:



BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Trivia Night Was A Success

That's right. Trivia Night was a success. It was beer o'clock when I got home yesterday, and so I drank a beer. And another beer. And another beer. And bbq'd. And drank another beer. Then I went to Scott's. And drank another beer.

Then we went to the Pub for Trivia.

Rick the Trivia Guy is pretty funny. Really offensive in places, but funny. But boy does he ask hard questions sometimes. And one of the teams is usually put together of professors from the university. Which means that we can get screwed pretty hard. And last night they brought in Bob Zecker, the certifiably insane US and immigration history prof.

So immediately, I was thinking....uhoh.

We lost three rounds (two to the profs, and 1 to Jordan's team) and then tied with Jordan's team for the last one. Which meant...sudden death overtime!

What was upsetting was I knew the answer to every one of Jordan's questions. The nation with the smallest army (Vatican)...and there were more, I was pretty drunk. And the trivia guy wanted to know what Halloween was originally celebrated as in Celtic folklore. I said "Samhain", and he thought that was wrong.

Whatever.

I won. I knew the answer to the last question, and damned if I can remember what it was, I just remember knowing I knew the answer as he said it. And then...drinking free beer.

It was a good night. We actually beat the profs!!