George Washington's Tea Partiers

Friends, today, I'd like to remind you that the tradition of the left's tax-and-spend politics is not a recent tradition; it is in fact one that true, conservative, freedom-loving Americans have battled for over two centuries. You see, one of the things that George Washington did as President was to raise taxes when he decided to tax several luxury items that he considered distasteful. One of the prime purposes of President Washington's un-American taxation plan (they would have called it socialist but it's over a hundred years before the Communist Manifesto) was to alter the way people in the United States behaved and believed. This clear violation of the 10th Amendment was no more than a shady attempt to usurp states rights, disguising their intentions by telling the people of the United States that the money was needed to pay off the massive "debt" left by the Glorious War of Independence Against the Tyrant George.

A well-known liberal, Washington ignored the will of the people and chose to implement a form of taxation designed to conform behavior to progressive, liberal norms: he taxed whiskey. Like all people who hate freedom, Washington has a set lifestyle he wants Americans to live, and he had illegitimately abused his power this enact the tax. I don't know if you were aware of this, but Washington's Congress had only one party. Do you know what other country only had one party? That's right. Nazi Germany.

When patriots in Pennsylvania decided to turn away tax collectors by the mouths of their muskets (God save the 2nd Amendment!), Führer Washington decided to send a sheriff to issue writs against those heros. Rather than give in to the proto-Marxist tyrant who once self-styled himself as "General of the Continental Army", the liberty-loving Pennsylvanians decided to "tax" the home of John Neville, the "tax inspector" for western Pennsylvania, by burning it to the ground. Washington then decided to mobilize a militia to destroy the patriots by force.

In order to crush, beneath his fine leather-clad heel, the heroic anti-tax movement, Comrade Washington asked the activist judges of the Supreme Court (all of whom were nominated by who? That's right: George Washington) to issue him a writ stating that the patriots were "out of control". Over 500 men were sent to Pennsylvania, but the local patriots, unwilling to risk their lives, decided to end the fight. They instead began a long process of working against the liberal organization of Washington by electing well-known conservative hero Thomas Jefferson some years later, who removed the tax.

I'd like to remind people of a few basic questions surrounding the Washington administration. It's said that Washington had wooden teeth, but I'd like to ask who paid for these teeth, and what position they had in the Washington administration. It's clear that these lobbyists may have had undue control over the Washington government, and the influence of these favours may have had long reaching controversy in the development of the Republic.

Here's something you may not have heard of: Washington was elected with the help of a group called ACORN (All Cotton-picking Or Road-building Negroes). This coalition of pro-Washington anti-American businessmen registered their slaves as free people, rather than 3/5ths of people, and as such, may have inflated the vote in some areas. ACORN's influence in the election of Washington cannot be ignored, and if it wasn't for the fact that Herr Washington appointed all the judges to the Supreme Court, perhaps all the legal challenges to Washington's so-called "election" wouldn't have been quashed under scanty legal reasoning.

Finally, there is compelling evidence that George Washington was not born in the United States. Some official records have his place of birth somewhere called "Colony of Virginia, British America". Washington has always maintained he was born in the State of Virginia, but the records show differently. The State of Virginia refused to provide a valid birth certificate for Washington when requested, saying instead that "What's a birth certificate?"

When you curse Obama, the blackguard, for the way he's leading America down a Communist-Nazi path of socialist destruction, remember that he's not alone with corrupting the great nation of America. He's just one more installation in a tradition that goes all the way back to the beginning, and if George Washington had his way, we would all have been goose-stepping and getting free health care since 1776.