Monday, September 7, 2009

From the mouths of undergrads...

I found this list of quotations from when I marked Religious Studies 100 papers for a prof back at my alma mater. Suffice to say, many of them are fucking hilarious. I'm going to give you an intro to hilarity.

As I marked these anonymously I have no way of knowing if they were written by idiots, people who slept through class, never went, or crazy fundamentalists of some type. They are, however, all worth a read.

Pagans are people who think Satan is God and God is Satan and are wrong.

Well, I wouldn't want to be wrong. Glad I'm not a pagan!

In order for a religion to be a religion it must have a God, a Son, and a Holy Ghost. These are the three basic requirements for religion.

Sorry, Hindus, Buddhists, Shintoites, Taoists, Jews, Wiccans, and those of any other faith. You're not actually religions.

If it wasn't for pagans we couldn't have neo-pagans.

I do remember the name on this one. C. Obvious.

I believe that Mormons might be a sect of Christianity. But maybe that's just their beliefs.

Actually, Mormons spawned from Viking myth. They just believe they're a Christian sect.

Christianity and Voodoo are on opposite sides of the spectrum. Voodoo is a religion that has deep roots in black magic and essentially are devil followers - they definately don't follow the Christian God. Anyway possession for them is something that should be embraced not eliminated. However, I suppose if Jesus reincarnated himself into my body I don't see my Parish Priest trying to perform an exorcism on me - it's all in perspective.

Well damn. Jesus himself possessing you would be OK? What about Moses? Job? Noah? How about Joe Stalin? Christ.

The three requirements for religion are life, death, and resurrection. Without resurrection you can't have religion. All religions have these things.


A pagan is a person who believes in feminism. Feminism is also called Wicca.

That's right. Wiccans all pray to their founder: Susan B. Anthony.

The Nation of Islam is different from mainstream Islam because it is not very nice to people.

This is actually really quite true. The Nation of Islam is not very nice to people. Islam is only not nice to women, infidels, and homosexuals. Who obviously aren't people at all.

The Nation of Islam believes that black people are the 'cream of the earth' which makes no sense because black people are not cream coloured.

Look for Hitchens to steal this one for his next book.

Moonies are like Mormons because both religions start with an M.

Ph.D candidate.

L. Ron Hubbard was an example of a magus figure because Tom Cruise likes his ideas.

I always thought this was a magus figure:

Liberals are a lot more conservative when it comes to displaying their beliefs.

This was written before Glenn Beck came on the national stage. In fact, one might say it was written in a better, happier time.

Liberals are individuals who aren't conservative.

C. Obvious again!

Zionism - a group of Jewish people that believe that Israel should be completely Jewish...they're sort of an activist group.

That's right. Zionism is one of the biggest activist groups in the world, up there with Greenpeace and, I don't know, the fuckin' WWF:

Since all the Jews have been dispersed so much over the years, they want, and so does everyone else, the Jews to all reassemble and move back to Israel.

That's right. That's why Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is always offering to bomb the area - making it easier for all the Jews to just move on in!

The Jewish attitude towards the body is that when doing communion, for example, the bread is His body, and wine is His blood.

Is that during Hanukkah or Yom Kippur?

Zionism is the belief that there is one main god, but there are also others. If the others are on the same side as the main god, they are good, and if not, they are bad. At the end of time there will be a great battle between good and bad and the good will win.

That's from Zionism 2:14. "And there shall be a battle between the main god and the other gods - Zeus, Thor, and Bob. And good shall win. Oy vey!"

Orthodoxy refers to the rich and strict Jewish followers. Orthopraxis has something to do with dental work.

No, no, NO! Praxis is the moon of Qu'noS that blew up in Star Trek VI!

A golem is a Jewish article of clothing.

Guess where they wear it? Not there. Pervert.

Zionism can involve animals. In a religious way.

I hope they're wearing their golem.

Transubstantiation is having to do with travel, and Jesus did some travelling up until he died.

Jesus did some transubstantiatin' after he died too, according to the Mormons. And the Catholics. Who's right?

Apocrypha were the paintings done within the Eastern Orthodox Church, such as those of the Virgin Mary. This was in contrast to the statues of the West Roman Catholic Church.

Ah, yes. The famous Apocrypha of St. Basil's Cathedral.

Apocrypha is similar to the word apocalypse, and both involve the world coming to an end.

It is also similar to the word apostrophe, which (like apocrypha) has nothing to do with the world coming to an end.

...possession in Christianity belongs to God. Your body is a temple which holds the holy spirit and the soul. One has to act according to Christian morals and guidelines so the spirit can come alive and guide the body. In Voodoo, one person can act in a similar fashion to God by possessing the body of someone else and effecting them. They do not become part of this person like the holy spirit but can effect them externally without the use of their body...

I don't even know.

Calvinist believe that Original Sin is about Adam and Eve having sex, and not about the forbidden fruit at all.


Hermeneutics is a religion of witch craft which just started in the 1940s, although they claim it has been going on since the start of time. There is no historical proof of this.

Honestly, I don't know where to start with this. Pointing out that it would be impossible to prove something historically that started back at the Big Bang, or pointing out that hermeneutics is actually the study of the interpretation of historical texts.

Original Sin is the sin we are all born with, which really just gives us the authority to commit sin.

And you will respect mah authoritah!

One more, my favourite:
Taoism is a religion where you pick an animal or a rock to be your god.

I choose granite.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Those were amazing. I was left speechless after reading a few of those!

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